blahhh elliot smith blaahhh

"When you first arrive in a new city, nothing makes sense. Everything's unknown, virgin...After you've lived here, walked these streets, you'll know them inside out. You'll know these people. Once you've lived here, crossed this street 10, 20, 1000 times... it'll belong to you because you've lived there. That was about to happen to me, but I didn't know it yet"

I don't know where the above quote comes from, I saw it on a profile once. Its true. I am soon to be a resident of chicago for 6 years. Six years, I remember when being ten to sixteen was such a monumental change, and now being 18 to 24 seems pretty well boring. I need a change in my life, being sober has taught me that.

Since I haven't been drinking, I have been forced to find humor in everyday life sans the booze that allows me to laugh things off more readily. I blame Elliot Smith, I've cleary been listening to him too much. I look around and all there is war, violence, conceit, materialism, call me a pessimist but seriously kids aren't even now a hope for the future. Cell phones, coach bags, bebe, not for a twenty something girl, for an eight year girl, its ludicrious.

My junior year of college I hung out with this great group of artist and writers. We always joked about starting a counter-culture commune like back in the 60s and 70s. I kind of wish we had followed through. Instead we are all working low income jobs, to pay for our low income housing, to further our income driven lives.

I haven't painted again for a long time. What is with me. I used to go nuts if I didn't paint, photograph, doodle once a day. Now I hardly even look at my art supplies. I don't even keep my room clean enough to paint. I live in a household where I still ask permission to do things like a child. I live every moment pay check to pay check. what the hell am I doing. I have become so numb I am boring.

So the question becomes what do I do to break the cycle. To make this once new city full of potential into that city once again. Where I can be proud of my life and myself. Where I am going and to do what I want to do no matter who tells me not to. To get my life, starting with my bedroom in order so that I can move freely. To get rid of all the material crap I don't need and focus on what really matters. To stop being jealous of others and start striving to be content with the cards I have been dealt.

Lets hope I have the strength to follow through and more importantly not to procrastinate the start. I say kick ball will change the world.